In our second lifetime, post abuse, my girls and I lived in a small, two bedroom, second-floor apartment. During the summer, new tenants moved in across from us. A woman and a little girl.
I don’t remember when I started to notice that something was very wrong over there. It seems like maybe it [...]
“I bought some sunflowers, they were so cheerful.”
I can’t buy them. I can’t even cut them.
We have roses. . .
“You hear the flowers screaming . . .”
Yes, I do. (How did you know?)
what draws a woman to a man who berates her?
to a person who takes power over her?
what flame is that with such power over us?
if there is nothing but love
in this world
which will you choose?
if all of life were this lovely
there would be no fear
or troubles between people
if all of life were as innocent
as a flower,
and every sound
as peaceful as petal dust,
if every breeze brought only lovely summer scents
then, just perhaps,
could be kind and lovely
to one another as well
I have been walking every evening this past month
it is becoming almost more necessary for my soul
than my body.
so many trees around me,
I reach out to caress low hanging branches
with my fingertips
softly brushing leaves and flowers,
absorbing their energy,
mingling our particles
I speak my breath toward them in return,
lest I take without giving.
Craning my neck upward [...]
hot tears burst from my soul,
leak from my face,
been crying for days,
over nothing, or something,
out of control
that it should not
i am so very,
of the fight to remain solid
my skin barely contains
the liquid fire
that runs through me,
electric fire hell
in my neck and shoulders
sparkling bone pain,
in my spine
can’t seem to get out [...]
Now that I am old enough to enjoy thoughts of what I want to do when I grow up – and to effect decisions about how i will live my life as it is now – i can finally feel victorious over those painful memories of the impossibility of living the life i was in at the time . . .
Back then, i was unable to create any life at all, for myself and my daughters. I couldn’t make the break with the past and go forward. I couldn’t find the answer – my life was at checkmate.
The grim Reaper waited, hands reaching toward me, willing me to quit. My daughters needed me to be strong, to take care of them, to make a home for them.
Go forward or die.
My body is not who I am.
I am not this ugly, fuzzy worm,
I am a beautiful creature,
Wait, you will see.
I am a soul,
confined within a body
I am a soul,
struggling to be free of this captivity
I always recommend Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pincola Estes, Ph.D. (the book is available at Amazon). She really digs into those Dark Man dreams and how paying attention to them can help you with important decisions in your life. This book saved my life. Every woman should read it!