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Posts tagged love

destiny

I was not his victim. I realize that now. I could have walked away a thousand times before I became so stuck in my own mind that escape seemed impossible. In the end, I became my own victim. I decided to believe that the things he said about me were true, his estimation of my worth as a human being, and my abilities as a parent.

He said that I would never leave him because I could never make it on my own, that I would never be able to support our children. And I decided to believe that I needed him. I decided to believe that I was helpless without him. I decided that it was my destiny to have that life, and that I deserved my fate.

i saw the play

It’s been thirty plus years since I left my abuser. Thirty years, and still, the reminder of one moment, all that time ago, can steal my breath.
Not any particular moment. There were a lot of bad moments back then. It can be just a random memory, even a sound, or a smell, but most [...]

the winds of change

The first rose of spring has opened her petals and fairly shouted RED to the universe. We have many rose bushes, red, of course, and peach and yellow and white and pink. They are strong, independent, living creatures with purpose and joy and love to share with one another.
They are beautiful, and I enjoy sharing [...]

deep regret

the terrible cold of discontent seeps into my bones
bitter words
 and anger
 send a frost
that burrows deep into my heart
I turn my chin to hide my tears
but i do not care so much that you see
as that it has finally come to this
the stone wall of my beating heart
will not accept this as a season [...]

night pulse

I hope that you are well and at peace tonight. I walked outside and breathed in the Universe for a few minutes earlier. Loving the trees, touching leaves with my fingertips. Barefooted, feeling the earth beneath me.
We have a storm coming, and the sky is a misty, leaded grey. Highlighted against the [...]

cornered

The abuser does not have a need to recover when the relationship ends. He simply moves on. He has his pride to protect. He puts on his nice guy face and goes out hunting for a fresh victim. He will tell everyone that he sent the other on her way.
It [...]

old woman

The old woman in the mirror greets me with a sleepy scowl. Wrinkles are breaking out like acne. I used to have a neck. Where did my neck go?
I am sixty-two. How did I ever get this old? Half way to one hundred twenty-four.
I guess a few wrinkles are appropriate.
Some days, [...]

eggshells and lug nuts

I felt like I had been targeted for murder. Might have been true. Might have just been sloppy work. Was it because of the life insurance policy recently offered by my office? Was it because his true self was about to become known. Or, all of the above? I guess that will never know, and I do not want to know.

the painful truth

. . a woman is battered every nine seconds in the United States.

. . . domestic violence kills ten women every day in this country.

my sweet Lou

This morning we put my sweet Lou to sleep. He had a cancer and he was “bleeding out” internally. He was only seven. This is one of the cruelest of all necessities of love. Love them enough to let go. Love them enough to kiss them goodbye.

expectations

Broken hearts and shattered dreams
are the stuff of expectations.
they are the trouble after all
if only this . . .
if only that . . .
Daydreams and wishes are wasted hours
today is all we have,
this very moment,
right now
is all that we can truly
call our own
the rest is stuff,
and expectations.
If you must love,
don’t spend it
on the one [...]

into the night sky

Today is the first day of the rest of my forever. I will cherish this day, and this night, and be thankful for the days I have had, both good and not so good, and whatever tomorrows will become part of my history.
I am beginning to believe that we are all just learning to [...]

forever, or at least until next week

I was a child of the Cold War years, (you know, The Bomb; dog tags with name, address and religious preference; hiding from nuclear annihilation under our plastic school desks) . . . We were ten years old and the end of the world was our future.
We had no tomorrow. We didn’t even have [...]

food for thought

The drama of control extended to every area of my life, every particle of my being. My critical mind was gone, battered into submission. The violence and hatred had taken its toll over the years.

but, I love him

I know. He hits you where it will not show. You cover up with long sleeves. He is so very, terribly sorry, when he hurts you. You forgive him.

the strong woman

So, who is the woman who “draws” violence to her? She is strong. She is tireless. She will not give in, or give up, or go back. What victory is there in overcoming a compliant woman? What joy in besting an adversary who lies down and waits to be overtaken?

friends can help

If you are her friend, and you think that she doesn’t know that you know, maybe you need a check-up. If you are her friend, you know. She has hollow eyes. She has lost (or gained) weight. She winces when you hug her hello or good-bye. She doesn’t look at you when you talk. She seems to have nothing to say.

living with pain

Pain has been my constant companion
for may days and nights
and long ago
and years to go from now
if that be so

timeless beauty

I am overwhelmed with the beauty of so many flowers and trees. And I am grateful for my life.

I am so glad I didn’t let an abuser convince me that it wasn’t worth living.