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Posts tagged going back

i saw the play

It’s been thirty plus years since I left my abuser. Thirty years, and still, the reminder of one moment, all that time ago, can steal my breath.
Not any particular moment. There were a lot of bad moments back then. It can be just a random memory, even a sound, or a smell, but [...]

be angry, be very angry

I am in favor of the “get out while you can” strategy, rather than that “try again” claptrap that is preached and prodded and counseled by the best of the educated but uninitiated. If you go back, or keep trying to fix the thing, you could end up dead. Or worse. (And yes, I can assure you that there are worse things than being dead.)

the journey of recovery

. . . I would love to hear more about the journey from the shelter to where you are today. Because the shelter is only temporary, women often go back to their abuser for financial security. What advice do you have that a woman could do to gain financial independence if she has children and [...]

rushing through life, or not

Today, I was thinking about rushing, while I was taking my time getting ready to go out the door. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t go anywhere, even to the dry cleaner, looking sloppy. Today, I moved slowly. I was comfortable in my own skin today. Taking my time. I’d been thinking about [...]

ptsd

Excuse me, but battered women function at a very high level. They manage to dance between death and its expectation every day of their lives. They shop, cook, clean, and clean, and clean, do laundry, take the kids to school and back, and humbly serve their “master” while planning, privately, to open the earth under him, or some other especially violent retribution for their pain and humiliation.

be who you are

My point is: be who you are. If you are gay or lesbian, please, know that understanding and acceptance are part of reality now. Be who you are. Love the person you love. Please don’t love the person you are expected to love. It never works out.

surviving survival

When we were at the shelter almost the first thing I heard was that something like eighty percent of the women would go back to their abusers. I think now I finally understand why. They are afraid of making a new life, of all the changes, but they already know how to function in their old lives.

forever, or at least until next week

I was a child of the Cold War years, (you know, The Bomb; dog tags with name, address and religious preference; hiding from nuclear annihilation under our plastic school desks) . . . We were ten years old and the end of the world was our future.
We had no tomorrow. We didn’t even have [...]

she is still me

All of that was years and years ago. I did survive. I did recover. I am strong. I am very strong. I will never get over losing my son, but today it is alright for me to carry that rock in my heart. I wouldn’t put it down if I could. And, I have rediscovered that fiery young woman who got left behind back then. She is still me. No one will ever conquer her again.

food for thought

The drama of control extended to every area of my life, every particle of my being. My critical mind was gone, battered into submission. The violence and hatred had taken its toll over the years.