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Posts tagged exhaustion

my patchwork quilt

no sooner does my head touch the pillow
than the patchwork quilt of my memories and regrets
pulls itself up around me
and snuggles in for the night.
every remembrance,
whether lovely or sad, has its own patch in the quilt.
the beautiful faces of my children and grandchildren,
my poor little mother, dying before she was even my age,
chasing fireflies on [...]

rain

burning black sand
extravagantly bright flowers
quite suddenly dripping with warm rain
that pounds the earth with unreasonable fury
in a moment, the rain is gone
and the sand is burning hot again
violence is not rain
it does not simply stop.
bravery is necessary
yet one time more than you believe is in you
run
before you cannot

(c) 2020 Belinda Geiger

the view from within

What, exactly, is domestic violence? It is just physical abuse? And what exactly is verbal/mental abuse? What does that mean? Is verbal abuse a reason to leave, even if he has never hit you?

deep regret

the terrible cold of discontent seeps into my bones
bitter words
 and anger
 send a frost
that burrows deep into my heart
I turn my chin to hide my tears
but i do not care so much that you see
as that it has finally come to this
the stone wall of my beating heart
will not accept this as a season [...]

my mother’s china

Unpacking my mother’s china sends me back into her life so vividly. I wash and dry each piece by hand and put them away very gently.
My mother was a fifties woman. She did what was expected of her. She raised her children. She loved us in the only way that her duty to us [...]

dark night

I always recommend Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pincola Estes, Ph.D. (the book is available at Amazon). She really digs into those Dark Man dreams and how paying attention to them can help you with important decisions in your life. This book saved my life. Every woman should read it!

be angry, be very angry

I am in favor of the “get out while you can” strategy, rather than that “try again” claptrap that is preached and prodded and counseled by the best of the educated but uninitiated. If you go back, or keep trying to fix the thing, you could end up dead. Or worse. (And yes, I can assure you that there are worse things than being dead.)

stay, or go?

If you are abused, there are two things left to you: Staying -or- Leaving.
I thought I was keeping the family together. That it was better for my children to have their father with them. I thought that god wanted it this way.
My two little girls needed their mother, but she was gone. She was lost [...]

old woman

The old woman in the mirror greets me with a sleepy scowl. Wrinkles are breaking out like acne. I used to have a neck. Where did my neck go?
I am sixty-two. How did I ever get this old? Half way to one hundred twenty-four.
I guess a few wrinkles are appropriate.
Some days, [...]

ptsd

Excuse me, but battered women function at a very high level. They manage to dance between death and its expectation every day of their lives. They shop, cook, clean, and clean, and clean, do laundry, take the kids to school and back, and humbly serve their “master” while planning, privately, to open the earth under him, or some other especially violent retribution for their pain and humiliation.

more on hydration

Now that I really think about it . . . I am pretty sure that I was dehydrated most of my adult life. I do not remember ever drinking water as part of my diet. I had not a drop of water for years and years. I survived on coffee and sugary brown liquids. [...]

the painful truth

. . a woman is battered every nine seconds in the United States.

. . . domestic violence kills ten women every day in this country.

the charming man

DON’T LET HIM GET YOU INTO THAT PLACE WHERE YOU BELIEVE HIM . . . DON’T DO IT. He is lying to you. You are not the names he calls you. You are a perfect human being, a beautiful soul who does not deserve this treatment. Run. Get away. Leave. He will NEVER change. He will NEVER stop. It’s all up to you…. I hope you can believe this, and just run away, rather than letting it get to the point where he might actually kill you.

broken trust

What do you do when the trust is broken?

For the battered one, the sweet, fresh trust of love has been violated with the first punch. Nothing the batterer can do will ever bring that back.

surviving survival

When we were at the shelter almost the first thing I heard was that something like eighty percent of the women would go back to their abusers. I think now I finally understand why. They are afraid of making a new life, of all the changes, but they already know how to function in their old lives.

forever, or at least until next week

I was a child of the Cold War years, (you know, The Bomb; dog tags with name, address and religious preference; hiding from nuclear annihilation under our plastic school desks) . . . We were ten years old and the end of the world was our future.
We had no tomorrow. We didn’t even have [...]

food for thought

The drama of control extended to every area of my life, every particle of my being. My critical mind was gone, battered into submission. The violence and hatred had taken its toll over the years.

the devil you know

unfortunately,

the devil you know
will get even

unfortunately,

the devil you know
will hurt you again

because

the devil you know
is still the devil.

grateful

The old year was a good year for me.

I have loved the moments of this year
my goodness,
what blessings I have in my life I should count them up more often
None of this would be even remotely possible
had the batterer in my life
been allowed to continue to degrade and destroy [...]

warning signs

She added that 21 of the 35 domestic homicide victims in the study had made a total of 178 calls to the police, and that some of the callers had restraining orders against their killers.

Twenty-one women called the police one hundred seventy-eight times. They are all dead.

common knowledge

Many years ago, when I was finally divorcing the father of my children, I phoned a former neighbor to get a statement corroborating my “story” of abuse for my attorney. My neighbor told me that the abuse was “common knowledge.” I thanked her, and hung up the phone, and broke into a million pieces.
Why hadn’t [...]

leaving too soon

Some women leave too soon.
How can that be?
Because, they go back.
If you are not ready to leave your “stuff” – it’s too soon. If you still love the bum, stay with him, eventually he will convince you that he is not worth loving. However, the price you pay may be your life, or your [...]

Steve’s story

Whatever your sexual preference, if the threat of violence is in your life you will understand Steve and feel his pain. What is there to do, really, when you are being threatened? Having “been there, done that” … my response is “run for your life.” T

the strong woman

So, who is the woman who “draws” violence to her? She is strong. She is tireless. She will not give in, or give up, or go back. What victory is there in overcoming a compliant woman? What joy in besting an adversary who lies down and waits to be overtaken?

friends can help

If you are her friend, and you think that she doesn’t know that you know, maybe you need a check-up. If you are her friend, you know. She has hollow eyes. She has lost (or gained) weight. She winces when you hug her hello or good-bye. She doesn’t look at you when you talk. She seems to have nothing to say.

alone

My best advice? Have the number of a shelter memorized. Do away with anything that he can use to track you down or hurt your family. Take as little as possible. Escape is just that. It is not a vacation.

sticks and stones and broken bones

I wonder, is it something that we share. . . those of us who continually find ourselves in that winding, dark, spider-webbed, unforgiving space that is abuse? Do we all follow the breadcrumbs, hoping to escape? Why do we always seem to end up at the very trouble that we came from?

excuse me, but your duct tape is showing

at other times,
i am that old me
with empty eyes
hopeless
the broken pieces of my life
sticking up like picket fences
around crumbling flower gardens

living with pain

Pain has been my constant companion
for may days and nights
and long ago
and years to go from now
if that be so

gun

I learned something new on the day that he killed me. I had not even attempted to protect myself, I was defenseless. And that was stupid.

I can’t even explain how quickly my mind just “went away” when I saw the barrel of that gun pointed at my face. I had no brain. I was dead already. I could not move, or talk, or object to my untimely demise.

rain dance

If you feel hopeless, older than your years, exhausted by 9:00 a.m., or just amazingly stupid. Maybe you are dehydrated.

If you never take another piece of advice in your life, this is the one exception you should make: Hydrate!!!

hydration: a matter of life

I have been dizzy, light headed, unable to make simple decisions, exhausted, and unable to sleep. Wow, that sounds like my whole life.

My sweet little lady doc. called me in the evening and insisted that I go, now, and buy Gatorade and drink a lot of it. “You are severely dehydrated.” – What did I know? I do know, that after a few bottles of Gatorade, I began to feel like a new person.