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Posts tagged domestic terror

merciless

downcast eyes, twisted smile,
she thinks that she is hiding the pain
dancing on a wire
to a tune played by her leading man
it is a frantic dance,
a carefully choreographed ballet.
any flat look of disappointment sends ice into her heart
there is no end to the music
no breather between sets
she must anticipate each twirl and spin
for failure is unthinkable
and [...]

stupid, worthless, fat/skinny, ugly bitch

I was weak, dizzy, and exhausted. Not a good place to come from if you need to fight (or run) for your life. So, please, learn from my experience. Hydrate your body, it will help you to see what is really there; hear what is true; and live your best life.

abuse

interpret the word however you like.
if you have absolutely no power in your relationship,
no control over your own life
and no hope
this is abuse.

i saw the play

It’s been thirty plus years since I left my abuser. Thirty years, and still, the reminder of one moment, all that time ago, can steal my breath.
Not any particular moment. There were a lot of bad moments back then. It can be just a random memory, even a sound, or a smell, but most [...]

brutal honesty

No, your mean spirited truth can not destroyed me,
nor will I fall apart while you slice the very air with the
sharpened knives of your unkind words.

the view from within

What, exactly, is domestic violence? It is just physical abuse? And what exactly is verbal/mental abuse? What does that mean? Is verbal abuse a reason to leave, even if he has never hit you?

dark night

I always recommend Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pincola Estes, Ph.D. (the book is available at Amazon). She really digs into those Dark Man dreams and how paying attention to them can help you with important decisions in your life. This book saved my life. Every woman should read it!

self-love and renewal

How will you ever dig yourself out of this hole if you do not love yourself, and your own life, enough to push the emotional rubbish off of your face and climb out? Self-love, amazingly enough, is simply having a basic sense of self-preservation that is intact and functioning.

be angry, be very angry

I am in favor of the “get out while you can” strategy, rather than that “try again” claptrap that is preached and prodded and counseled by the best of the educated but uninitiated. If you go back, or keep trying to fix the thing, you could end up dead. Or worse. (And yes, I can assure you that there are worse things than being dead.)

cornered

The abuser does not have a need to recover when the relationship ends. He simply moves on. He has his pride to protect. He puts on his nice guy face and goes out hunting for a fresh victim. He will tell everyone that he sent the other on her way.
It [...]

stay, or go?

If you are abused, there are two things left to you: Staying -or- Leaving.
I thought I was keeping the family together. That it was better for my children to have their father with them. I thought that god wanted it this way.
My two little girls needed their mother, but she was gone. She was lost [...]

sleep walking with the Death Angel

Our baby son died in his crib just before he was five months old.
“You must have walked in your sleep and smothered him.”

He was such a happy baby, he had great big belly laugh and he loved to bounce on a knee, anybody’s knee. His sisters adored him. At two and four, [...]

old woman

The old woman in the mirror greets me with a sleepy scowl. Wrinkles are breaking out like acne. I used to have a neck. Where did my neck go?
I am sixty-two. How did I ever get this old? Half way to one hundred twenty-four.
I guess a few wrinkles are appropriate.
Some days, [...]

Sampat Pal

(Photo courtesy of Pink Saris.)
Sampat Pal speaks volumes with few words in Pink Saris. I can add nothing to her wisdom:

Women have nothing but their tears, what else do they have?

If a woman tries to do anything, its a struggle.

We were starving on the streets, no one cared.

People only love you for money.

Women Make Movies: Pink Saris

(Photo courtesy of Pink Saris)
PINK SARIS to broadcast on HBO2 | Wednesday, November 30
“…a remarkably honest and urgent film, and Sampat is an unforgettable character.”
Anthropology Review Database
“Highly Recommended.”
Educational Media Reviews Online
“A girl’s life is cruel…A woman’s life is very cruel,” notes Sampat Pal, the complex protagonist at the center of PINK SARIS, internationally acclaimed director [...]

nothing will change, until we change it

Perhaps education is the key. Perhaps learning the truth and offering what help we can will make a difference. I believe that Middle School is the best place to address young people about personal violence – before they start dating, before the become just a piece of “property” in the sexual violence world. Help them if you can. Write a check. Offer your services. Teach your children to respect one another. Do something. Do anything you can. Nothing will change until we change it.

ptsd

Excuse me, but battered women function at a very high level. They manage to dance between death and its expectation every day of their lives. They shop, cook, clean, and clean, and clean, do laundry, take the kids to school and back, and humbly serve their “master” while planning, privately, to open the earth under him, or some other especially violent retribution for their pain and humiliation.

taking a stand against violence

“Now is the time to find the courage, and to stop looking the other way when you see signs of abuse. Whether we are talking about domestic violence or abuse of any form, we all have a responsibility to act, or risk the likelihood that it will happen again,” writes Esta Soler, President and Founder [...]

eggshells and lug nuts

I felt like I had been targeted for murder. Might have been true. Might have just been sloppy work. Was it because of the life insurance policy recently offered by my office? Was it because his true self was about to become known. Or, all of the above? I guess that will never know, and I do not want to know.

a cry for help

In one night, the kindest, most loving man in the world covered her body with bruises and broke her heart into a million pieces. She was confused and terrified and felt utterly alone.

Philadelphia: the whole story

I have quoted this article many times. I am afraid it will disappear eventually, so here it is, in full:
NY TIMES
Philadelphia to Handle Abuse Calls Differently
By IAN URBINA
Published: December 30, 2009
Responding to a sharp increase in homicides stemming from domestic violence, the Philadelphia Police Department announced plans this week to change how officers handle domestic [...]

my story

My story is all over this site. My two little girls told me that we had to leave, “before he kills you.” – I could no longer pretend they didn’t know after that. So, we walked out the door one lovely morning, headed for their school, and never went back. A [...]

the painful truth

. . a woman is battered every nine seconds in the United States.

. . . domestic violence kills ten women every day in this country.

guerrilla warfare in the happy home

Do you have a beautiful home in a nice suburb? A sky-high condo? Or a third-floor walk-up? The trappings of success will not protect you from domestic violence.
Maybe you think you are simply losing your mind. After all, how could this be happening to you? You have a perfect life. A charming [...]

broken trust

What do you do when the trust is broken?

For the battered one, the sweet, fresh trust of love has been violated with the first punch. Nothing the batterer can do will ever bring that back.

Women Who Run With the Wolves

This is not a book you read and forget. This is a book that will live in you; for years to come.

rushing through life, or not

Today, I was thinking about rushing, while I was taking my time getting ready to go out the door. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t go anywhere, even to the dry cleaner, looking sloppy. Today, I moved slowly. I was comfortable in my own skin today. Taking my time. I’d been thinking about [...]

surviving survival

When we were at the shelter almost the first thing I heard was that something like eighty percent of the women would go back to their abusers. I think now I finally understand why. They are afraid of making a new life, of all the changes, but they already know how to function in their old lives.

smoke and mirrors

Our escape wasn’t long after that. We did it together. We walked away one bright sunny morning and went to the shelter instead of their school. My two little girls. They expected me to have the courage to leave. So, I did. We did.

Bible scholar on abuse

. . . Today’s generation of Bible students need to know that this unnamed woman was not a whore nor was she unfaithful to her husband. Only by rereading the text will today’s readers discover that all the accusations lodged against this woman were false. May this rereading of the text vindicate her reputation.

forever, or at least until next week

I was a child of the Cold War years, (you know, The Bomb; dog tags with name, address and religious preference; hiding from nuclear annihilation under our plastic school desks) . . . We were ten years old and the end of the world was our future.
We had no tomorrow. We didn’t even have [...]

cheating as domestic violence

Pray. Okay, pray. But then do something. Don’t wait for the earth to open up and swallow him. This one is on you. You must make the move. If you don’t leave, it just gets worse. There are million women out there who would agree with me. And many others who would, if they could speak from the grave.

run, don’t walk

He drove up just as I was walking to my packed car with my baby in my arms. He was furious. I was terrified. I ran back into the house and slammed the door and locked it. He pounded on the door. Someone called the police. My dad kept him outside of the [...]

she is still me

All of that was years and years ago. I did survive. I did recover. I am strong. I am very strong. I will never get over losing my son, but today it is alright for me to carry that rock in my heart. I wouldn’t put it down if I could. And, I have rediscovered that fiery young woman who got left behind back then. She is still me. No one will ever conquer her again.

food for thought

The drama of control extended to every area of my life, every particle of my being. My critical mind was gone, battered into submission. The violence and hatred had taken its toll over the years.

the devil you know

unfortunately,

the devil you know
will get even

unfortunately,

the devil you know
will hurt you again

because

the devil you know
is still the devil.

grateful

The old year was a good year for me.

I have loved the moments of this year
my goodness,
what blessings I have in my life I should count them up more often
None of this would be even remotely possible
had the batterer in my life
been allowed to continue to degrade and destroy [...]

warning signs

She added that 21 of the 35 domestic homicide victims in the study had made a total of 178 calls to the police, and that some of the callers had restraining orders against their killers.

Twenty-one women called the police one hundred seventy-eight times. They are all dead.

common knowledge

Many years ago, when I was finally divorcing the father of my children, I phoned a former neighbor to get a statement corroborating my “story” of abuse for my attorney. My neighbor told me that the abuse was “common knowledge.” I thanked her, and hung up the phone, and broke into a million pieces.
Why hadn’t [...]

leaving too soon

Some women leave too soon.
How can that be?
Because, they go back.
If you are not ready to leave your “stuff” – it’s too soon. If you still love the bum, stay with him, eventually he will convince you that he is not worth loving. However, the price you pay may be your life, or your [...]