[ Content | Sidebar ]

Archives for recovery

sparkle

I am feeling alone
until I notice
that today feels magical
the late spring sunset has cast a golden glow on everything around me

time

time is crashing into me
heavy
demanding
i have bared my soul to the universe so that
perhaps
one woman
might live a better life
i hope it is enough

bullet

I parked at a cheap lot several blocks from my office. I would get out of my car and start the walk. Each step was a victory. I figured that if the bullet got me, I would probably never know it, but I was saddened at the thought of my two young daughters having to go on without me.

butterfly spin

My body is not who I am.
I am not this ugly, fuzzy worm,
I am a beautiful creature,
with wings
Wait, you will see.

I am a soul,
confined within a body
I am a soul,
struggling to be free of this captivity

dark night

I always recommend Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pincola Estes, Ph.D. (the book is available at Amazon). She really digs into those Dark Man dreams and how paying attention to them can help you with important decisions in your life. This book saved my life. Every woman should read it!

night pulse

I hope that you are well and at peace tonight. I walked outside and breathed in the Universe for a few minutes earlier. Loving the trees, touching leaves with my fingertips. Barefooted, feeling the earth beneath me.
We have a storm coming, and the sky is a misty, leaded grey. Highlighted against the [...]

moondust

dreams and wishes are made of moondust
and, if you believe,
little fairies will sprinkle moondust on your eyelids at bedtime
you will have beautiful dreams
and
a beautiful day tomorrow
if
you believe in moondust and fairies
nobody changes, really
we wish they would, but they do not,
we might even pray that they will
but they can not
god will not change him for you
only [...]

only believe

My dreams are brightly colored movies that I live in, with all five, or six, senses in working order. It hasn’t been like this for me always, and I ascribe the change to my senior citizen brain.
My dreams are so real that I don’t feel like I am dreaming. They are usually pleasant, and [...]

job hunting

When you are ready, here is some job hunting info. I’ve been on both sides of the interview process, so I hope this will be helpful information for you.
If all you need is an Application:

-Your application should be extremely neat , carefully written, and easy to read. Do not rush. Bring your own pen, [...]

the journey of recovery

“. . . I would love to hear more about the journey from the shelter to where you are today. Because the shelter is only temporary, women often go back to their abuser for financial security. What advice do you have that a woman could do to gain financial independence if she has children and [...]

cornered

The abuser does not have a need to recover when the relationship ends. He simply moves on. He has his pride to protect. He puts on his nice guy face and goes out hunting for a fresh victim. He will tell everyone that he sent the other on her way.
It [...]

stay, or go?

If you are abused, there are two things left to you: Staying -or- Leaving.
I thought I was keeping the family together. That it was better for my children to have their father with them. I thought that god wanted it this way.
My two little girls needed their mother, but she was gone. She was lost [...]

loving yourself during the holidays

Happy Sunday! The sun is shining (whether we can see it or not) and the world is still spinning out there in space, and You are Free! You are Safe! No one will hit you today. No one will break any of your bones today, or shoot at you, or throw the entire honey [...]

ptsd

Excuse me, but battered women function at a very high level. They manage to dance between death and its expectation every day of their lives. They shop, cook, clean, and clean, and clean, do laundry, take the kids to school and back, and humbly serve their “master” while planning, privately, to open the earth under him, or some other especially violent retribution for their pain and humiliation.

more on hydration

Now that I really think about it . . . I am pretty sure that I was dehydrated most of my adult life. I do not remember ever drinking water as part of my diet. I had not a drop of water for years and years. I survived on coffee and sugary brown liquids. [...]

life and death

My life is a skinny silver thread that has been woven into the tapestry of human kind.
I will die, but I will not disappear.

the charming man

DON’T LET HIM GET YOU INTO THAT PLACE WHERE YOU BELIEVE HIM . . . DON’T DO IT. He is lying to you. You are not the names he calls you. You are a perfect human being, a beautiful soul who does not deserve this treatment. Run. Get away. Leave. He will NEVER change. He will NEVER stop. It’s all up to you…. I hope you can believe this, and just run away, rather than letting it get to the point where he might actually kill you.

broken trust

What do you do when the trust is broken?

For the battered one, the sweet, fresh trust of love has been violated with the first punch. Nothing the batterer can do will ever bring that back.

into the night sky

Today is the first day of the rest of my forever. I will cherish this day, and this night, and be thankful for the days I have had, both good and not so good, and whatever tomorrows will become part of my history.
I am beginning to believe that we are all just learning to [...]

surviving survival

When we were at the shelter almost the first thing I heard was that something like eighty percent of the women would go back to their abusers. I think now I finally understand why. They are afraid of making a new life, of all the changes, but they already know how to function in their old lives.

forever, or at least until next week

I was a child of the Cold War years, (you know, The Bomb; dog tags with name, address and religious preference; hiding from nuclear annihilation under our plastic school desks) . . . We were ten years old and the end of the world was our future.
We had no tomorrow. We didn’t even have [...]

paycheck abuse

Being in an abusive work relationship is similar to being in an abusive marriage. Self-esteem erodes. The ability to function independently declines. Fear rules your life. Your health deteriorates.

she is still me

All of that was years and years ago. I did survive. I did recover. I am strong. I am very strong. I will never get over losing my son, but today it is alright for me to carry that rock in my heart. I wouldn’t put it down if I could. And, I have rediscovered that fiery young woman who got left behind back then. She is still me. No one will ever conquer her again.

food for thought

The drama of control extended to every area of my life, every particle of my being. My critical mind was gone, battered into submission. The violence and hatred had taken its toll over the years.

grateful

The old year was a good year for me.

I have loved the moments of this year
my goodness,
what blessings I have in my life I should count them up more often
None of this would be even remotely possible
had the batterer in my life
been allowed to continue to degrade and destroy [...]

leaving too soon

Some women leave too soon.
How can that be?
Because, they go back.
If you are not ready to leave your “stuff” – it’s too soon. If you still love the bum, stay with him, eventually he will convince you that he is not worth loving. However, the price you pay may be your life, or your [...]

the strong woman

So, who is the woman who “draws” violence to her? She is strong. She is tireless. She will not give in, or give up, or go back. What victory is there in overcoming a compliant woman? What joy in besting an adversary who lies down and waits to be overtaken?

alone

My best advice? Have the number of a shelter memorized. Do away with anything that he can use to track you down or hurt your family. Take as little as possible. Escape is just that. It is not a vacation.

excuse me, but your duct tape is showing

at other times,
i am that old me
with empty eyes
hopeless
the broken pieces of my life
sticking up like picket fences
around crumbling flower gardens

living with pain

Pain has been my constant companion
for may days and nights
and long ago
and years to go from now
if that be so

finding the path

We don’t all get to follow some straight path and have perfect lives with perfect skin and never a moment of stress. Some of us have to be the ones on the crooked path, tripping over roots in the dark, and ending up dirty and lost. That’s me. Well, that was me. I’m on a better path now.

gun

I learned something new on the day that he killed me. I had not even attempted to protect myself, I was defenseless. And that was stupid.

I can’t even explain how quickly my mind just “went away” when I saw the barrel of that gun pointed at my face. I had no brain. I was dead already. I could not move, or talk, or object to my untimely demise.

a safe place

My life is better now, and I am no longer frightened or haunted by terrible dreams. It is my turn to give back, and share, before my time is gone.

I hope you will hold your freedom sweetly in your heart. You have so much to gain, and even more to lose.

hydration: a matter of life

I have been dizzy, light headed, unable to make simple decisions, exhausted, and unable to sleep. Wow, that sounds like my whole life.

My sweet little lady doc. called me in the evening and insisted that I go, now, and buy Gatorade and drink a lot of it. “You are severely dehydrated.” – What did I know? I do know, that after a few bottles of Gatorade, I began to feel like a new person.

recycled me

Coming back to life, bit by bit, I felt a little like a jigsaw puzzle, or maybe Frankenstein’s monster. Some parts were okay, and functioning well, and some parts of me were still paralyzed. Some of the edge pieces were still missing.