May 2nd, 2016
This is my walk
Nearly every day
I say hello to flowers and trees and tall grass
as they sparkle in the late afternoon sun
My heart records their incredible beauty and sad decay.
I focus on the shapes and colors of the leaves,
the twisted limbs of ancient trees.
every flower is delicate, unique.
some are faded, some vibrant
some reaching around others for a glimpse of the sun
The scent on the wind
infuses unspeakable joy
into my heart and my bones.
My sister walks with me
almost every day,
but not today, and I am feeling alone
until I notice
that today feels magical
the late spring sunset has cast a golden glow on everything around me
I touch the low branches and caress the leaves
and I realize that I, too, am part what happens here
I am not just an observer
I belong here
February 19th, 2016
it doesn’t matter how many times I start over,
only that I do.
hypnosis is my love,
I can do this.
I am good at this.
but the time is now
to return to what I love and what I can do well.
I will begin again.
January 11th, 2016
tonight, i feel like a bird’s nest covered with skin.
broken, twisted little branches
held together with bits of string and sticks and stems
wound up tighter than necessary
to protect the pieces of me
that have yet to shatter
December 18th, 2015
interpret the word however you like.
if you have absolutely no power in your relationship,
no control over your own life
and no hope
this is abuse.
December 5th, 2015
walking slowly through the white walls of the museum
among brilliant works of masterful color
suddenly i was face to face with the crying woman
she screamed and screamed at me
trapped in canvas forever
there was no way i could help her
but i understood completely
November 16th, 2015
Today I attended a holiday boutique with my lovely, talented, oldest daughter, who was showing her hand-made aprons. The show was in a a hair salon. It is more modern I suppose, than when my mother had been their client many years ago, but essentially the same. I recognized it right away.
My mother had thick, unmanageable hair. Today there are many products that could have made her life easier, but back then she resorted to keeping it cut short and styled simply, so that she had to struggle with it less. I don’t know how long she had been going to that salon, but it seems that the stylists had started calling her Brillo hair. Brillo is a product made of thin wire and soap, used for cleaning pots and pans. How terribly sad. How cruel we can be to one another. if only continued »
November 8th, 2015
downcast eyes, twisted smile,
she thinks that she is hiding the pain
dancing on a wire
to a tune played by her leading man
it is a frantic dance,
a carefully choreographed ballet.
any flat look of disappointment sends ice into her heart
there is no end to the music
no breather between sets
she must anticipate each twirl and spin
for failure is unthinkable
and punishment is swift
when she finally sleeps,
her dreams are wastelands.
sadly, she still hopes to please
to find what is lacking, repair the breach,
and return to the fairy tale
she seems brittle,
as though truth would open her veins
November 1st, 2015
burning black sand
extravagantly bright flowers
quite suddenly dripping
with warm rain
that pounds the earth with unreasonable fury
in a moment, the rain is gone
and the sand is burning hot again
violence is not rain
it does not simply stop.
bravery is necessary
yet one time more
than you believe is in you
before you cannot
October 24th, 2015
suddenly the storm is me
my emotions rage and tear the air
like debris tossed about in a wild wind
i will not be peaceful if it means dying with the words suffocated behind my lips
i will not be a shadow any longer
i must stand in the light
even if it is a storm
June 6th, 2015
I never wanted to bring children into a world where an idiot with a red button could end every living thing in moments, or, where nuclear fallout could make survival worse than death. What a fool I was. I thought the world was too dangerous for children, but my relationship with their father was the real poison in our lives.
I was not his victim. I realize that now. I could have walked away a thousand times before I became so stuck in my own mind that escape seemed impossible. In the end, I became my own victim. I decided to believe that the things he said about me were true, his estimation of my worth as a human being, and my abilities as a parent.
He said that I would never leave him because I could never make it on my own, that I would never be able to support our children. And I decided to believe that I needed him. I decided to believe that I was helpless without him. I decided that it was my destiny to have that life, and that I deserved my fate. destiny continued »