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becoming rain

June 17th, 2019

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each of us are only particles,
currently assembled into sentient beings
held together by friction and stubbornness,
aware,
for the moment, of our being-ness.

surviving survival
pulled all of my strings and tore at my heart
’till my particles burned with confusion and dread.

surviving,
recreating myself,
from a bundle of tangled, broken fragments
was only the beginning.
learning to live again,
to find my own being-ness
took all of my soul’s work
and many days, and nights
and years.

when my particles disassemble this time,
I look forward
to becoming rain.

The concept of becoming rain is from The Art of Living by Thich Nhat Hanh


hostage

March 29th, 2019

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The realization
that I was only a hostage
made leaving that much easier.

Leaving wasn’t difficult,
or painful,
only frightening.

Starting over was more difficult.
Every day was hard
but every night was peaceful
and finally safe.


dreaming

March 11th, 2019

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my life was scream
trapped
in a nightmare.
it was never going to get better
the only cure
was to leave

it took years
and days
and hours
and some very long moments
but my dreams are peaceful now
my heart is calm
and I don’t miss the terror
not even a little


updraft

February 25th, 2019

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imagine having wings
soaring effortlessly
on the lightest breeze,
playing
in gusts of wind

imagine
having that life
the one that didn’t go as planned

imagine the freedom
of no regrets
of life well lived until the end

lift your wings
catch the breeze
and begin again


heartbroken

January 17th, 2019

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I’ve seen that look before,
you think that the problem is you.

Sunset pulls mightily upon your soul.
Stars and moon sing their own songs of freedom,
the night birds,
screeching and cawing to one another
delicately unfold their wings,
lifting themselves
on the faintest breeze,
above the earth,
toward the growing darkness.

And you keep shoveling mountains of guilt
over your already tired bones.

You are only reaching for that part of the sky
that belongs to you.

Do you think it is within your power to change
the soul that inhabits your being?
Many of us have tried
to squeeze ourselves into that perfect person mold
biting our tongues,
hiding our tears,
screaming into our pillows.
It never ends well.

Be who you are.
follow the moon and the stars,
unfold your soul wings and fly away



fragile

January 10th, 2019

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this heartbreakingly beautiful
tiny bit of the universe
took my breath, and my soul
by surprise today

beauty
can be found in many things
and joy
can come from out of nowhere

if I had tried to pick it up
and move it out of harm’s way
it would have been destroyed.

I left it where it was,
knowing that it would be crushed
or blown away in only a few moments
knowing also,
that my interference was not required.

it felt quite personal,
as though this moment was a precious gift,
meant only to touch my heart
before this tiny treasure was returned
to dust
as all things are,
and should be

the cold sun

October 1st, 2018

IMG_9856The cold winter sun shares her harsh light begrudgingly.
hiding,
then fairly screaming at me from between the trees
as she dances lower and lower on the horizon.

I increase my pace,
struggling to stay warm.

A patch of lavender comes into view
curious
i move closer

I am overpowered,
the scent is visceral
I must stop

The bright new flowers
have rushed to open after the recent rains,
sensing light through the eyelids of their souls,
urgently unfolding into the new day.
stretching
reaching
gloriously becoming

I take a picture, but it is washed out
the light is too bright.
I move my body to create a shadow
and try again

I breathe deeply,
memorizing the moment.
joyous
unwashed
unchanged by chemistry

Today I have learned something

Light is necessary for life,
but shadow is necessary for vision.


old

August 9th, 2018

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becoming older is simple
it sneaks up on you,
until it doesn’t

realizing my limitations,
aching for bones that don’t ache,
watching bruises bloom from simple bumps,
such an adventure

happily, i can still walk.
if i could not,
i would have missed this beauty

she will also grow old,
crumple in on herself
and lose her amazing petals,
which feel wooden to my careful touch

it is my joy to have witnessed her life
even as my aging body requires me to walk slowly enough to notice

thank goodness

do not allow your old age to be stolen from you
run
get out
your stuff isn’t worth it
don’t wait to leave until the day after he kills you

before and after

July 3rd, 2018

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it seems that we keep time
in before and after.
not so much in days or years,
but in moments that stop everything.

some moments create deep fissures
in the skin of our souls,
as though splintering the heart,
penetrating even our deepest being.

each soul is marked by scars
by tears not shed
by pain too great
by fires gone out
by before,
and after.


living in color

June 25th, 2018

IMG_4209Will I be grateful for my life when it is over?
or, will I die wanting more?
I hope not.
Time, and time, and more time, to what end?
I am learning to be grateful for temporary things
love, kinship, a smile, eyes that truly see.
I look at the trees,
I doubt they complain about the years they don’t have.
It seems enough to stretch their branches toward the sun,
to witness thunder and soak up fresh drops of rain,
to stand tall without demanding eternity.
Each little thing is more than enough on it’s own.
Why does humanity insist on living forever?
I admire the beauty and strength of the trees,
endlessly renewing, shedding the old and moving on.
It is the way of the universe.
We live, we grow old, we die,
maybe we change form and shape and live again,
somehow or another.
It doesn’t matter
one life is magical enough,
if I don’t waste it living in desperation and fear.

Today I am free
because I ran while I still could
and broke the terrible bonds of abuse.